Tag Archives: Holiday horror

Easter Bloody Easter Comes Hopping Down a Bloody Bunny Trail

Posted on by
Reply
Advertisements

Obviously, Halloween gets plenty of horror movies with Christmas doing surprisingly well, too. There’s the Leprechaun franchise for St. Patrick’s Day, My Bloody Valentine for Valentine’s Day, Uncle Sam for the Fourth of July, and now we have a real Thanksgiving horror movie. Though there are Easter-themed horror movies, they’re few and far between. And that’s probably a good thing. By and large, these movies are terrible. But the new holiday-themed horror-comedy, Easter Bloody Easter actually has a handful of positive reviews. Do we finally have an Easter horror movie worth celebrating?

Synopsis

It’s Easter in a small Texas town, but Jeanie Cooper isn’t in the mood for the local festivities. Her husband, Lance, has seemingly left her … until the town sheriff finds his abandoned truck cover in blood and fur. Along with her best friend, Carol, Jeanie sets out to find her missing husband. Instead, the friends discover a monstrous Jackalope and its own army of killer bunny rabbits. Unless they can stop the devilish creature, it’s going to be a ‘Bloody Easter’.

Easter Bloody Easter Doesn’t Fill Its Basket With Nearly Enough Campy Fun

It’s a movie about a killer Jackalope and tiny killer rabbits. So Easter Bloody Easter need only satisfy one basic requirement – it should be over-the-top silly and bloody. From first-time writer and director Diane Foster, and co-writer Allison Lobel, this horror-comedy sort of hits that mark. Rather than use lazy CGI, Foster’s killer Jackalope is literally a man dressed in a furry killer rabbit suit. And the killer bunnies are tiny plush rabbits with glowing red eyes. There’s a handful of funny, over-the-top moments like when the Jackalope disembowels a man dressed as the actual Easter bunny. Watching the Jackalope deposit its carnage in a demented Easter basket is good for a couple of laughs. Certainly, the spirit is willing in this horror-comedy.

An immediate problem with the horror-comedy is its sheer length. No movie about killer bunnies should be leaning this closely to two hours.

Too bad Easter Bloody Easter never feels as silly and goofy as its premise requires. An immediate problem with the horror-comedy is its sheer length. No movie about killer bunnies should be leaning this closely to two hours. Not surprisingly then, Foster can’t fill that runtime with enough campy fun to keep you in the mood. Stupid works for this sort of movie; long and intermittently dull is inexcusable. Even when Foster does deliver killer rabbit attacks, it’s never quite that manic or wild. Things pick up in the third act with an Easter morning egg hunt that devolves into chaos. Yet it feels like too little, too late.

Easter Bloody Easter Too Intermittently Fun and Silly to Nail Its Premise

Easter Bloody Easter also runs into some story-telling problems. Even a silly, campy movie about a giant killer Jackalope needs some story. Specifically, Foster and Lobel dangle some unnecessary subplots throughout the movie. There’s Jeanine’s missing husband and maybe some infidelity, an dutiful but ignored husband to the town gossip, and another character turns up halfway through the movie though it’s never clear why. What mythology and rules we get about the Jackalope from the local town conspiracy theorist are murky. Much of the story just distracts from why we’re watching the movie in the first place.

…Foster and Lobel dangle some unnecessary subplots throughout the movie.

While there are some funny bits here and there, Easter Bloody Easter leans on very broad humor that misses more than it lands. It’s funny when one character can’t make a three-point turn to escape the Easter egg hunt massacre. And it’s kind of funny when the Jackalope shits bloody Easter eggs. Foster and Lobel – who also star in the movie – along with Kelly Grant are consistently fun to watch. Other characters feel like a joke strained past its expiry date.

Easter Bloody Easter Either Too Dumb, Or Not Dumb Enough

You could argue that a movie like Easter Bloody Easter is review-proof. A movie about a giant Jackalope and an army of tiny killer bunnies attacking a town on Easter should be campy. But campy should be fun and this killer Jackalope isn’t nearly as fun as one might expect. Yes, there’s silly humor and gore but it’s thinly spread across an unnecessarily long hour and 43 minutes. Foster and Lobel popular their horror-comedy with too many distracting story detours, fuzzy mythology, and humor that often borders on broad. Things improve by the final act – and there’s some genuine love put into the movie – but it’s too late to save Easter Bloody Easter for most audiences.

THE PROFESSOR’S FINAL GRADE: C-

Bloody New Year a Bloody Awful 80s VHS Slasher

Posted on by
Reply
Advertisements

By the late 1980s, the slasher had lost most of its box office drawing power. Outside of the major slasher franchises – which were digging into their later sequels – most slashers were dropping straight onto video store shelves. For every April Fool’s Day or Maniac Cop, the subgenre produced a few Cheerleader Camp’s, Nail Gun Massacre’s, and American Gothic’s. Most of the major calendar holidays had been used up – Thanksgiving would take a few more decades to get its own slasher. Even New Year’s Eve had New Year’s Evil. None of this stopped Wales-produced supernatural slasher Bloody New Year from showing up on VHS – with one of the better sleeve covers for horror in the decade.

Synopsis

When a trio of hooligans disrupt their fun day at a summer carnival, a group of teens decide to take the party out on the ocean with a sailboat ride. Their boat runs aground, taking on water, and forcing the group to swim ashore to a remote island that seems to be uninhabited. Looking for some shelter they find a hotel that seems to be up and running. But something immediately feels wrong – only a handful of staff, no guests, and a lobby decorated for New Year’s Eve … in July.

Bloody New Year a Cheap-Looking Straight-to-Video 80s Horror Movie

Maybe it’s not surprising, but Bloody New Year is a low-budget, cheesy supernatural slasher in the same tradition as Slaughter High. Director Norman J. Warren was known for schlock horror outings like Terror and Inseminoid. Whether Warren intended Bloody New Year to be an intentionally silly romp or a straight-faced effort is kind of hard to figure out. Tonally, this supernatural slasher bounces around a bit. While its opening taps into the same feel of an 80s teen sex romp it quickly jumps to oddball horror that’s mostly laughable. Yet there’s also the occasional midnight movie vibe – it doesn’t make this one unsettling or creepy, just weird. At just over 90 minutes, Warren doesn’t allow his movie to get boring, though it likely goes on 10 or 15 minutes too long.

By and large, the DIY special effects don’t look all that special. The zombified characters look like they’re wearing cheap latex and face paint.

Everything about Bloody New Year is super cheap looking. No one in the cast is remotely recognizable. Fortunately, no one is terrible – what you get is largely wooden performances from actors who look way too old to be partying teens. By and large, the DIY special effects don’t look all that special. The zombified characters look like they’re wearing cheap latex and face paint. One monster that comes up from a table looks like a collection of garbage bags. However, Warren occasionally puts something on the screen that’s actually kind of impressive for the low budget. For instance, an elevator wall slowly swallowing one character actually comes off quite well. If more of Bloody New Year followed on that example, it might have been more watchable.

Bloody New Year Throws a Batch of Zany Ideas at the Wall … And Lets Everything Stick

Despite all the things that are subpar about Bloody New Year, there are some occasionally interesting ideas that pop up here and there. Screenwriter Frazer Pearce’s basic premise about an island caught in a time paradox doomed to repeated the same night isn’t a bad idea. In fact, it’s the kind of high-concept premise that has recently reinvigorated the slasher with movies like Happy Death Day, Totally Killer, and Freaky. The problem is that Pearce either didn’t have much confidence in the idea or didn’t realize he had something good. Instead, Bloody New Year throws a dog’s breakfast of ideas at the wally – and let everything stick.

…there are some occasionally interesting ideas that pop up here and there.

Not satisfied with having ghosts from distant New Year’s Eve haunt our teens, Bloody New Year feels like a zany parade of whatever ideas crossed Warren and Pearce’s minds. Hotel and WWII pilot ghosts, invisible ghosts, zombies, walls that swallow people, a killer net, and some sort of table monster. Even the carnival hooligans turn up again for no other reason than to up the body count. Eventually Bloody New Year feels like a plotless mess. Sometimes the random weirdness feels fun. Most of the time it just feels like a random mess.

Bloody New Year Not Likely To Find Its Way Into Many New Year’s Movie Marathons

Not unlike Slaughter High, Bloody New Year is a cheap-o, low-budget trashy horror movie. It’s also poorly executed, laced with terrible special effects, flat performances, and running time that feels bloated at just over 90 minutes. But for a cheap supernatural slasher movie released in 1987 there’s some good ideas rolling around here. An island trapped in some kind of time paradox doesn’t sound too different from Lost. There’s also an occasional cool shot or midnight movie vibe. Whereas Slaughter High knew it was a stupid movie, Bloody New Year never consistently commits to just being a fun, bad movie. It’s just a bad movie.

THE PROFESSOR’S FINAL GRADE: C-

Thanksgiving Will Have Slasher Fans Wanting Leftovers

Posted on by
1
Advertisements

When Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino’s double-bill feature Grindhouse released in 2007, it fared poorly at the box office. Perhaps it’s a bit ironic then that the faux-trailers on the double-bill inspired more successful box office ventures. Machete went on to nearly triple its production value. Okay, Hobo With a Shotgun was a small Canadian cult movie. It took just over 16 years to finally get it. But Eli Roth finally made good on his promise, and faux-trailer Thanksgiving is now a feature length movie. Believe it or not, this holiday slasher is no turkey. Not only has it performed well at the box office, but Roth has made a movie that critics actually like.

Synopsis

A year ago in Plymouth, Massachusetts, tragedy struck on Thanksgiving. A Black Friday sale at a RightMart department store ended in a riot that killed several patrons. Jessica, a local high school student, feels she and her friends bares some responsibility for inciting the riot. And her guilt doubles when her father, and RightMart owner, Thomas Wright decides to have another blowout sale this Thanksgiving. Someone else isn’t taking the announcement too well, either. Now a man wearing a John Carver mask is stalking and killing the store patrons he believes are responsible for the deadly riot.

Thanksgiving Stuff with Over-the-Top Slasher VIolence

Just the opening scene makes Thanksgiving worth the price of admission. Not surprisingly, Eli Roth (Hostel, Green Inferno, Knock Knock) turns the riot into an orgy of cringe-inducing mayhem. Whether Thanksgiving is the best slasher movie in a year with Scream VI or The Blackening is open to debate. Certainly, however, Roth has turned in the nastiest piece of slasher for 2023. That is, Roth combines his penchant for hardcore gore with slasher basics to deliver several over-the-top death scenes. At least two heads are severed while another one gets smashed with a meat tenderizer. Another scene finds a car cutting a body in half, while a buzzsaw leaves a body spilling intestines onto the floor. This is not a horror movie for the faint-hearted.

…Roth has turned in the nastiest piece of slasher for 2023.

In spite of its R-rated slasher violence, Thanksgiving strays from its Grindhouse roots. Roth includes several shoutouts to his original faux-trailer. Yes, the tagline “There will be no leftovers” hilariously gets uttered by our John Carver killer. And Roth still keeps some of the grimy scenes teased by his 2007 trailer. That means Roth gives us an updated rendition of the trampoline kill and the human turkey dinner centerpiece. They’re also executed more in the Grand Guignol tradition of classic slashers. Unlike its inspirations, Thanksgiving is a far more slickly-produced movie.

Thanksgiving Gets All the Slasher Trimmings Cooked Just Right

Moreover, Thanksgiving boasts a much more capable cast than what you’d find in the typical 70s Grindhouse movie. With top billing, Patrick Dempsey (Scream 3) anchors the slasher with a capable performance as the beleaguered town sheriff. Like most slashers, most of the movie falls onto the shoulders of a young cast. In this case, outside of TikToker Addison Rae in a smaller supporting role, most of the young stars are relative unknowns. Most notably, Nell Verlaque acquits herself quite well in the ‘sort of’ Final Girl role, while Tomaso Sanelli’s ‘Evan’ is a highlight as that obnoxious character that has to turn up in every slasher movie.

…Roth clearly knows the slasher tropes and uses them to great effect.

No good slasher movie is complete without an iconic villain. Where Thanksgiving’s ‘John Carver-inspired’ killer falls among the list of past villains is hard to say. Maybe the mask looks more goofy than frightening for most of the movie. However, the mask gets a burned upgrade before the climatic dinner scene that’s a marked improvement. Otherwise Roth clearly knows the slasher tropes and uses them to great effect. All of the stalk-and-slash scenes tease out some suspense alongside some good jump scares. In addition, the final killer reveal bares the hallmarks of the convoluted slasher logic. If there’s any complaint about Thanksgiving it’s probably that it runs a little long.

Thanksgiving Will Have You Hoping for Leftovers

In a year where The Blackening, Scream VI, and Sick reminded us that slasher movies could still be good, Thanksgiving drive the message home. Somehow Eli Roth took his two-minute faux trailer and turned it into his best movie. Though it largely strays from its Grindhouse roots, this holiday slasher fills itself with inventive and wild kills. Expect bits of dark humor sprinkled throughout as would be expected from Roth. That opening scene is brutally chaotic; the final killer reveal is surprising in the true tradition of slashers. Maybe it’s a bit too long for this kind of movie. Nevertheless, Thanksgiving should ensure every slasher fan feels full and content. Let’s just hope we get dessert in the form of a sequel.

THE PROFESSOR’S FINAL GRADE: A

Valentine Makes For a Bad Valentine’s Day Date

Posted on by
4
Advertisements

Welcome to everyone’s least favourite fake holiday – Valentine’s Day. During the golden era of the slasher, studios gave just about every calendar holiday the movie treatment. Even April Fool’s Day was treated to a horror movie adaptation. When Wes Craven turned the subgenre on its head with Scream he inadvertently re-ignited a brief slasher-lite renaissance. Over the next few years, several slasher movies got the green light with varying levels of success. Though they all dutifully recycled the tropes, none had Scream’s self-awareness. At the tail-end of this revival, the ultra-derivative Valentine was dumped into theatres and quickly forgotten.

Synopsis

At their sixth grade dance, awkward and shy Jeremy Melton asks several popular girls to dance. Though he is rejected one after the other, Dorothy shows some kindness and accepts. But when other kids catch them kissing him under the bleachers, Dorothy lies and accuses Jeremy of attacking her. Several bullies then beat Jeremy up, humiliating him. Years later, someone is sending menacing Valentine’s Day cards to the same girls who rejected Jeremy. Now a figure wearing a Cherub mask is stalking and killing them one by one. Has Jeremy Melton returned to seek his revenge?

Valentine Tastes Like a Cheap Box of No-Name Chocolate

Where to start? First and foremost, Valentine possesses all the originality of no-name pharmacy store Valentines Day chocolate. With a screenplay that borders on lazy, this is the cinematic equivalent of a bowl of melting vanilla ice cream. No less than four screenwriters riff off familiar stereotypes standing in for characters. Marley Shelton is Kate Davies, the ‘nice one’ and obvious ‘final girl’. Denise Richards plays ‘Paige’ the ‘promiscuous one’, and Jessica Capshaw is Dorothy, the formerly overweight, insecure one. Even new horror fans shouldn’t have trouble figuring who dies and in what order.

…most of these red herrings are killed as quickly as they’re introduced.

Of course, lazy script-writing can still get you a passing grade in slashers if you can deliver a memorable killer. Sadly, Valentine disappoints like a bad blind date. The movie’s killer wears a cherub mask that is the exact opposite of scary; he also gets nosebleeds after every murder. Director Jamie Blanks (Urban Legend) introduces red herrings only to instantly discard them. Is Gary, the pervert neighbour, the adult Jeremy Melton? Or is it Campbell, the gold-digging boyfriend? Maybe David Boreanz’s Adam, Kate’s alcoholic ex-boyfriend, is the killer. At the time of its release, Boreanz was riding the wave of Angel. At least Bones was waiting for him after this dud.

Valentine Knows The Set-Up, But Can’t Order Up The Scares

Arguably, Valentine’s biggest problem is that it’s not scary. Ever. Instead, Valentine is a flavourless assortment of tired tropes. Victims run but are somehow still caught by a killer who never breaks from a brisk stride. If you’re concerned about getting too scared there’s no need to worry. That rising crescendo of creepy music lets you know when the jump scares are coming. Just be forewarned that contrived fake-out proceeds almost every attempt at a scare. In fact, Valentine’s just missing that scene where the victim adjusts the bathroom mirror and the killer appears.

While it’s rated-R, the death scenes are largely bloodless and pretty straightforward.

In contrast to classic 1980’s slashers, the slasher-lite renaissance that followed Scream were surprisingly light on both graphic violence and nudity. Unfortunately for gorehounds, Valentine is no different. In spite of its R-rating, Blank’s death scenes are largely bloodless and too often straightforward. One scene involving a hot tub cover and drill is entertaining, but it’s not enough to energize this lifeless slasher. When a floating head surfaces in a pond it gives the audience a pretty strong hint as to why the camera cuts away quickly during most of the film’s kills – the special effects are cheap-looking.

Swipe Left On Valentine

At over an hour and half, Valentine long overstays its welcome. Nothing remotely scary happens during this time. Even worse, the ending offers an absolutely pointless fake-out that is both obvious and a rip-off. Like a bad online dating profile, Valentine knows what audiences want to see, but only offers a photo-shopped imitation. If you’re planning on staying in this Valentine’s Day and are looking for a good scary movie, swipe left on Valentine.

THE PROFESSOR’S FINAL GRADE: C-