Tag Archives: 1980s Horror

Chopping Mall: Cheap Thrills and Exploding Heads in Aisle 4

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By the mid-1980’s, the slasher film craze was running out of steam. Though some series – A Nightmare on Elm Street and Child’s Play – were just beginning, the subgenre suffered from an excess of indistinguishable releases. Take a stroll through later ‘80’s releases and what you’ll find are more self-aware horror movies. Perhaps sensing that the subgenre was played out, filmmakers increasingly embraced the narrative blueprint for laughs. Enter Chopping Mall, a 1986 release that straddles the fence between intentional and unintentional laughs. ‘So bad it’s good’ or just plain ‘bad’?

Synopsis

Park Plaza Mall has a new state-of-the art security system – three high-tech robots. But the teenage mall staff don’t seem too worried. They have plans to stay in the mall after-hours for drinking, partying, and sex. However, things quickly go awry when the security robots malfunction and go on a killing spree. Now trapped behind thick steel security doors, the mall staff must fight to survive until morning.

Chopping Mall is Dumb, But It Knows It’s Dumb

In spite of its twist on the familiar, Chopping Mall deviates little from the slasher formula. For its hour and 17 minutes, Chopping Mall liberally mixes ‘stalk and slash’ violence with a little gratuitous nudity and sex. Characters are either cannon fodder or ‘final survivors’ for the third act. Even non-horror fans should have little trouble distinguishing between the character archetypes. Promiscuous characters die first, leaving chaste characters to live to the end. And yes, there is a ‘Final Girl’.

The movie never takes itself very seriously.

Though Chopping Mall is derivative, writer and director Jim Wynorski knows it and has a little fun with the formula. Tonally, Chopping Mall has more in common with later-1980’s slasher movies like Intruder or Slaughter High than Friday the 13th. The movie never takes itself very seriously. No, not all the humour works. This is broad humour that will never be confused with The Evil Dead or What We Do In The Shadows. But there’s some relatively fun death scenes, including the second best ‘head exploding’ scene in horror movie history. When taken in conjunction with its short runtime, Chopping Mall does enough right to never overstay its welcome.

Chopping Mall is a Premise Begging for a Remake

When Hollywood binged on ‘80’s horror during the 2000’s remake craze, Chopping Mall got passed over. Of course, it’s hard to fault studio executives for sticking with brand familiarity. Despite their underwhelming performances, Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street remakes still promised brand name recognition. In contrast, Chopping Mall is an obscure slasher movie with a ridiculous premise that wasn’t executed very well. Yet buried in the gratuitous nudity and violence is an idea that could work even better today.

…a Chopping Mall remake could tap into very real ears about potential consequences of all this connectivity.

Today, we live in a technologically advanced and highly interconnected world. Everything is ‘smart’ – from our phones to our home security systems. With a few taps of the finger, you can adjust the temperature of your house and start your car from the comforts of your couch. At even a basic superficial level, a Chopping Mall remake could tap into very real fears about potential consequences of all this connectivity. What if a ‘smart’ system like Google Home or Alexa became sentient and then malevolent? In the hands of a really good filmmaker, Chopping Mall could even dig deeper into anxieties about creeping surveillance, targeted ads, and consumerism.

Chopping Mall a Minor But Fun Slasher Option

In the grand mosaic of ‘80’s horror, Chopping Mall is a pretty insignificant movie. Truth be told, it’s a later slasher movie that best qualities as a C-level subgenre entry. It doesn’t even reach the heights of minor hits like My Bloody Valentine, The House on Sorority Row, or Just Before Dawn. Nonetheless, Chopping Mall benefits from its lighter tone and more playful execution of familiar tropes. And somewhere in this big dumb movie is a hidden gem of a premise just begging for a clever update.

FINAL VERDICT: SO BAD IT’S GOOD

Humanoids From The Deep: Genetically Modified Turkey of a Movie

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As a director and producer, Roger Corman has amassed a massive filmography over his career. He was a master of low-budget, independent B-movie’s. Corman also kickstarted the careers of quite a few famous filmmakers and actors. But when you trade in low budget, exploitative fare, occasionally, you miss the mark. Exhibit A – the 1980 eco-horror movie Humanoids from the Deep. Released at the tail-end of the eco-horror cycle of the 1970’s, Humanoids from the Deep was a minor success. Though Corman was the uncredited executive producer, he apparently had a hand in some of the movie’s more seedy content. Arguably, the story of genetic modification gone horribly wrong sounds like the kind of B-movie that might resonate with today’s horror fans. But rubber-suited sea monsters are probably dated. So is Humanoids from the Deep ‘so bad, it’s good’? Or is it just a bad movie?

Synopsis

In a small seaside community, plans for a new cannery threaten to push out traditional fishing. And the arrival of a scientist promising genetically modified salmon to increase profits only exacerbates tensions. But as the townsfolk become increasingly divided, mysterious disappearances and a rash of mutilated animals points to a surfacing unknown danger. When mutated ‘fish men’ emerge and threaten the town, residents must set aside their differences to fight for their own survival.

Humanoids from the Deep Doesn’t Know It’s a B-Movie

On the one hand, Humanoids from the Deep should be a fun B-horror movie. Just two years earlier, Joe Dante mined a very similar story for plenty of satirical horror goodness in Piranha. But Humanoids from the Deep is like that person who doesn’t get that you’re laughing at them and not with them. Whether it’s the B-movie story and tropes or the rubber ‘fish men’ suits, this shouldn’t be a serious movie. Yet director Barbara Peeters doesn’t seem to understand what kind of movie she’s making. Now to be fair, an uncredited director filmed additional scenes at Corman’s behest. However, this doesn’t explain all of the movie’s discordant tone.

Everything in the movie also feels lifted from other -and often much better – eco-horror movies.

At just under an hour and 20 minutes, Humanoids from the Deep feels long. Too long for such a short movie. For what’s a low-budget B-movie, Humanoids from the Deep takes itself way too seriously. There’s just too many long stretches of pointless dialogue and exposition. Everything in the movie also feels lifted from other -and often much better – eco-horror movies. As a result, the movie has a redundancy to it that kills any suspense or intentional (and unintentional) humour. You want to take its Indigenous environmental sub-plot seriously, but when rubber-suited ‘fish men’ attack a community salmon festival, it’s hard to keep a straight face.

Humanoids from the Deep Makes Things Uncomfortable

Not everything about Humanoids from the Deep is terrible. Like a lot of indie-80’s horror movies, the practical gore effects are surprisingly good. That DIY vibe helps, but also makes you wonder why there wasn’t more of it. In addition, composer James Horner contributes one of his earliest scores, which is much better than the movie deserved. Any goodwill generated by these contributions, however, are undone by the movie’s exploitative sexual violence. You see, the ‘fish men’ of Humanoids from the Deep are compelled to ‘mate’ with female humans. So audiences can expect plenty of lazily staged gratuitous nudity along with a few scenes of rubber-suited monsters groping and assaulting women. Apparently, Corman thought Creature From The Black Lagoon needed more 1970’s exploitation. It doesn’t work in this 1980 B-movie and it most certainly hasn’t aged well.

Humanoids from the Deep – Too Bad to be Good, Too Serious to be Fun

Humanoids from the Deep is many different things, and it’s also nothing. Even amongst eco-horror movies, it’s pretty silly stuff. Let’s face it, the mix of goofy rubber monster suits and deadly serious approach to the material don’t mesh well. Long stretches of dull dialogue offset the handful of decent gore effects sparsely spread over the movie’s runtime. You should be laughing along with Humanoids from the Deep, but you’re more likely to be bored. This is a movie suffering from an identity crisis – a B-movie with aspirations of offering serious narrative. And the exploitative nudity and misogynistic sexual violence pretty much ensure it won’t find new audiences. Only die-hard horror completists will find much, if anything, to enjoy.

FINAL VERDICT: JUST A BAD MOVIE

Final Exam: Early slasher Gets an “F”

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Not every slasher movie released in the ‘Golden Era’ of the 1980’s was ‘golden’. For every ‘hidden gem’ like a Just Before Dawn there’s a genuine trash bin offering – a Don’t Go in the Woods or Offerings. While some filmmakers took advantage of low-budgets to innovate, others had lower budgets and less imagination. As the early wave of slashers took hold in the 80’s, Final Exam found a bit of box office success with minimal exposure. Nothing about the movie and its premise were remarkable. But it’s title and college location at least promised some fun. So is Final Exam worth taking for credit for 80’s horror fans? Or is it just a bad movie you should just defer?

Synopsis

At Lanier College, a handful of remaining students are just trying to survive their final exams. Against the backdrop of studying, fraternity pranks and relationship drama fill up the dying hours of another semester. But not far from Lanier’s campus, an unseen madman brutally murdered two March College students. Now the same madman has shown up at Lanier to continue his killing spree. Now Lanier College’s student will have to survive more than there exams.

Final Exam Fancies Itself ‘Animal House’ Meets ‘Halloween’

What do you get when you mix college sex romp comedies with the ‘slash-and-stalk’ formula of Halloween? Not Final Exam. Oh, it certainly seems to try and adopt that mix of genre formats. Following a fairly decent opening, Final Exam spends about the next 30 to 45 minutes intermittently thinking its (a) college frat comedy or (b) day-in-the-life character study. Writer and director Jimmy Huston gets neither of these genres rights. The fraternity hazing hijinks are lazy and tame. And the characters are too paper-thin and forced to recite lame dialogue to shoulder a more serious drama. Neither approach is ever connected to the other let alone the slasher horror components. Occasionally, Huston remembers he’s making a horror movie and attempts to build in some scares. However, when it’s not even clear if the killer has arrived on campus, the “scares” feel forced.

Final Exam’s “Fill-in-the-Blank” Killer and Lack of Blood Miss the Point

Okay, maybe in 1981, you could argue that the slasher formula was still ‘under development’. Nevertheless, Final Exam feels a lot like a student taking an exam after studying for the wrong course. Most of the movie’s death scenes are bloodless and poorly filmed. Huston struggles in both the set-up and execution leaving Final Exam without the exploitative thrills that are prerequisites to the sub-genre. In regards to the movie’s killer, he’s a completely anonymous figure. And not like in the Michael Myers way.

…Final Exam drops an anonymous, unconnected killer onto a college campus to rack up a bloodless, scare-free body count.

Nameless, faceless, motiveless – these factors can make a horror figure scarier if done right. Unfortunately, Final Exam drops an anonymous, unconnected killer onto a college campus to rack up a bloodless, scare-free body count. It just feels like lazy story-telling that leaves you disinterested. Most of the cast is also pretty disposable, though Joel S Rice’s ‘Radish’ belongs in a better movie.

Final Exam Apparently Studied for the Wrong Test

Final Exam isn’t a bad movie because it’s ultra-cheap looking. On the contrary, many 80’s slasher movies benefit from the DIY look and feel. No, Final Exam is bad because it seems to have no clue what type of movie it is. An early 80’s slasher movie with no blood, nudity, and a nearly 30-minute gap between kills isn’t going to pass muster. There’s nothing in the movie to justify a character focus – neither the performances nor the dialogue make it remotely good enough. And it’s too tame to be a college sex romp comedy. What’s left is a boring, ‘dog’s breakfast’ of a movie. Only absolute die-hard 80’s horror fans should bother with this one.

FINAL VERDICT: JUST A BAD MOVIE

Slugs: They’re Coming to Get You … Very Slowly

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Don’t be surprised there’s a movie about killer slugs. After all, 1970s eco-horror gave us killer frogs, killer worms and, yes, giant killer rabbits. Though it was nearly a decade behind the eco-horror craze, Slugs faithfully follows the well-established playbook for the subgenre. Audiences all but ignored Slugs when it was released, but horror fans have slowly re-discovered the B-movie courtesy of Arrow Films. And Slugs has a couple of things going for it in the “so bad, it’s good department”. Even dismissive critics praised the movie’s gore effects. Moreover, Spanish director Juan Piquer Simón – the man behind the wonderfully bad Pieces – directed.

Synopsis

In a small, quiet rural town, several residents have died under strange circumstances. Someone – or something – has left their bodies partially eaten. Local health inspector Mike Brady suspects that toxic waste in the water supply has mutated slugs into carnivorous predators. But town officials dismiss Brady’s claims as a madman’s rants. Now Brady has to take matters into his own hands before the killer slugs completely take over the town.

Slugs Makes No Effort to Deviate From Familiarity … And It’s All the Better for It

Maybe you’ve never seen Grizzly, Tentacles, Frogs, or Piranha. But odds are, you have seen Jaws. Whether Spielberg’s mega-blockbuster is technically eco-horror or not, its story set the template for most “natural horror” that followed. And Slugs makes absolutely zero effort to mix things up. First, you have the dedicated public official – Mike Brady, the health inspector – who investigates and fights the threat. While it’s a reduced role in Slugs, we still get the “slug expert” who lends a hand. Next, we have various city officials who refuse to believe there’s any danger. Not even a man’s head splitting open and spilling out baby slugs in a public restaurant can convince them. Such is the greed of capitalists.

Whether its intentional or not, Slugs benefits from its derivative B-movie narrative much in the same way as the superior Night of the Creeps.

Of course, there’s several unremarkable characters along for the ride to give us a bodycount. And because it’s the late 1980s, Slugs includes a bit of gratuitous nudity and sex to fill those slower gaps. Yet in spite of its rigid adherence to formulaic storytelling, Slugs manages to feel fun for most of its runtime. Whether its intentional or not, Slugs benefits from its derivative B-movie narrative much in the same way as the superior Night of the Creeps. Never quite as silly as Pieces, Juan Piquer Simón nonetheless ensures his movie never takes itself too seriously. By 1988, years removed from eco-horror’s zenith, this one almost feels charmingly retro. Today, it further benefits from the added 80s retro vibe.

Slugs Surprises with Impressively Gross Gore Effects

There’s little point in commenting on the movie’s performances. Not surprisingly, the acting ranges from cardboard stiff to mildly passable. Where Slugs manages to surprise is with its much better-than-expected effects and ability to find ways to make slugs … sort of threatening. No, it’s never scary. But the movie wouldn’t work if it tried. Simply put, the blood and gore is pretty convincing for a low-budget 1980s movie. And it’s every bit as over-the-top as the movie requires. If the restaurant scene is good B-movie stuff, it’s surpassed by a teen sex scene that ends in a feeding frenzy. Is it believable that hundreds of slugs could somehow appear in a bedroom that quickly? No. Does it matter? Not really.

…the blood and gore is pretty convincing for a low-budget 1980s movie.

As the third act rolls around, Slugs nearly derails itself from its fun B-movie stylings. Things slow down to a near “snail’s pace” which, for this kind of movie, is deadly. Simón’s set-up for the climax is a little implausible, even for this movie. Fortunately, Simón executes it with just enough of what might pass for suspense to make it sort of work. On some level, it’s at least enjoyable as fun farce. A cheesy 80s musical send-off before the credits roll help Slugs nail its “so bad, it’s good landing”.

Slugs a Fun Midnight Movie for B-Movie Horror Fans

Following Jaws’ massive success, filmmakers quickly tried to use the same formula to sucker in audiences. Most of these imitators were dreadfully bad (we’re looking at you Tentacles). Occasionally, a movie like Piranha came along that was self-aware enough to exploit the cheesiness of its own concept to work. While Slugs was late to the game, it manages to fall somewhere in between the bad (Grizzly) and the good (Piranha) B-movie eco-horror rip-offs. Its above-average effects and commitment to the silliness of its own premise make it much better than, say, the 1993 killer bug movie, Ticks.

FINAL VERDICT: SO BAD, IT’S GOOD

Death House: Ambitious But Flawed Horror Homage

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Death House has been one of the more talked about indie horror movies in recent memory. This is no small part due to the sheer number of horror alumni in the cast. Fans have described Death House as ‘The Expendables’ of horror movies. It’s a virtual ‘who’s who’ of horror wrapped up in vintage 80’s style. Do you know what else it’s wrapped in? A purely batshit crazy story likely to give the recent Nicolas Cage effort, Mandy, a run for its money.

Synopsis

A remote and secretive prison called Death House grants two FBI agents – Boon and Novak – an exclusive tour. The subterranean facility houses the most depraved and violent individuals on nine levels. But the inmates may not be the only monsters in Death House. Within its walls, medical staff conduct brutal and unethical experiments in the hopes of unlocking the secrets of their residents. When a power outage frees all of Death House’s inmates, Boon and Novak must fight their way from level to level. Waiting for them on the Ninth Level are the ‘Five Evils’, the facility’s most feared residents.

Death House is a Narrative Nightmare

From a pure storytelling perspective, Death House is almost inexplicably indescribable. Trust me, the above synopsis barely scratches the surface. Gunnar Hansen of Texas Chainsaw Massacre fame, along with Harrison Smith, wrote the screenplay. What they put together is a ‘dog’s breakfast’ of occasionally delightful off-the-wall ideas. In fact, there’s no shortage of ideas in Death House. There’s doctors performing unethical surgeries on homeless people to make them look like killers’ past victims. Cast toss around a lot of pseudo-scientific jargon about virtual reality, hallucinogenic drugs, and rehabilitation. Tony Todd bookends the movie as some sort of ‘blood farmer.’ Don’t ask about Bill Mosely’s third act soliloquy that puts technology and social media alongside notions of ‘good and evil.’

Instead, Death House struggles to get all these admittedly cool concepts to gel into a coherent story.

A shortage of intriguing ideas is not a problem. Instead, Death House struggles to get all these admittedly cool concepts to gel into a coherent story. For the first 30 odd minutes, Death House jumps from idea to idea with no firm storytelling base for the audience. Much of first half is seemingly devoted to downloading all these ideas onto the audience. The problematic storytelling approach is exacerbated by what feels like choppy editing. At times, it felt like I had missed things, but going back and re-watching didn’t help. Some plot details must have been left on the editing room floor. Ultimately, Death House works best as an aesthetic experience as opposed to a cohesive story.

Death House Substitutes Violence For Scares

If Death House is a crammed and confusing story, it’s equally a visual assault on the senses. Director Harrison Smith’s homage to 80’s action/horror violence should satisfy hardcore horror fans. The focus here is not on creepy atmosphere or scares, but rather body mutilating gore. Along with some brutal stabbings and throat-slicing, Harrison delivers on some intestine-dripping mutilations. One of the movie’s more memorable images includes a trio of fleshless creatures gorging on victims. Poor lighting in some scenes reduces the visceral impact of some of this gore.

Death House re-kindles that VHS–feel of low-budget 80’s horror-actioneers.

Where Death House falls a little short is its ability to maintain a surrealist tone. Movies like Suspiria, Phantasmh, and Carnival of Souls could shirk storytelling demands because they so effectively captured the feeling of a nightmare. Each of these movies maintained a sense of dreamlike dread over their runtimes. Death House re-kindles that VHS–feel of low-budget 80’s horror-actioneers. Nevertheless, it never really taps into enough of a nightmarish surrealism to justify its often incoherent story.

Death House Boasts a ‘Hall of Fame’ Horror Cast

Arguably, Death House has garnered a lot of attention for the sheer volume of recognizable horror actors in the cast. Aside from the absence of a few big names, most notably Robert Englund, you’ll recognize a lot of faces if you’ve watched more than a few horror movies in the last few decades. Rob Zombie alumni Bill Moseley and Sid Haig show up. Michael Berryman (The Hills Have Eyes), Tony Todd (Candyman), and Vernon Wells (Commando) are present and accounted for. Several ‘Scream Queens’ turn up including Barbara Crampton (Re-Animator), Dee Wallace (The Howling), Felissa Rose (Sleepaway Camp), and Camille Keaton (I Spit on Your Grave). Even Troma Entertainment founder Lloyd Kaufman joins in on the fun.

Though Death House boasts an impressive cast of horror regulars, it’s a a stretch to coin it ‘The Expendables’ of horror. Most of these horror actors make only brief appearances in the movie. Some of these appearances don’t amount to much more than a ‘blink and you’ll miss it’ cameo. By and large, none of these actors are connected or interact in any story-driven way. While Kane Hodder is given a more significant role as the principal antagonist, Death House largely belongs to Cody Longo and Cortney Palm, as Agents Novak and Boon, respectively.

Death House May Find Cult Status in the Future

Death House isn’t a bad movie, and it’s certainly one I desperately wanted to love, Truth be told, it’s an ambitious movie that probably falls short of the cult status it desperately wants. There’s a lot of fun to be had with this B-movie pastiche. For starters, it’s an absolute blast to see so many familiar faces in one horror movie. While much of the movie is incoherent, there’s no denying that some of the ‘off-the-wall’ craziness is intriguing. Perhaps Death House will age well into midnight movie status.

THE PROFESSOR’S FINAL GRADE: C+

Halloween III Season of the Witch: Halloween Sequel Has More Treats Than Tricks

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Every long-running movie franchise or television series has one. It’s that sequel or season that disappointed its fanbase. Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans hated on the fourth season. When Friday the 13th tried to move on without Jason Voorhees, Paramount immediately course-corrected with their next sequel. After two successful Halloween movies, John Carpenter decided it was time to move the franchise in a new direction. A new direction meant Halloween III: Season of the Witch, a Michael Myers-less sequel. But poor box office results and less-than-glowing reviews prompted the return of Michael Myers in the next sequel. While audiences and critics initially dismissed it, the sequel has slowly amassed its own following. Has the ‘Black Sheep’ of the Halloween franchise earned critical redemption? Or is it just a bad sequel?

Halloween III Season of the Witch A Suitably Creepy New Direction

On the one hand, you can understand the reluctance of Halloween fans to move on without ‘The Shape’. After all, Michael Myers is one of horror’s defining monsters. Still, Halloween II’s ending felt pretty definitive. There’s a reason the 2018 sequel ignored all of the franchise’s sequels. Today, horror series like American Horror Story and Slasher have thrived by mixing it up with an anthology format. But in 1982, horror fans weren’t ready yet for a world without Michael Myers. That’s too bad since Season of the Witch took the franchise in an interesting direction. Writer and director Tommy Lee Wallace certainly had more on his mind than just a mindless slasher sequel.

But in 1982, horror fans weren’t ready yet for a world without Michael Myers.

In fact, much of Halloween III Season of the Witch works better today. There’s interesting anti-consumerism and anti-corporation themes embedded into the movie. True, Wallace needlessly bogs things down with some silly mysticism and the inclusion of Stonehenge. Creepy ‘crawlies’ squirming out of ‘Killer Halloween’ masks was also probably unnecessary; technologically-wired masks would have sufficed. Nonetheless, Season of the Witch peers ahead into our future where corporatizaton of cities and academic institutions is an all too real problem. Silver Shamrock and its control of Santa Mira raises the present-day spectre of corporate giants like Wal-Mart, Amazon, and Google, and the impact they have on cities and smaller communities. Though the surveillance depicted in the movie is crude and simple, it similarly anticipates how extensively corporations follow and collect information from us.

Sequel Disturbs Despite Ditching the Slasher Formula

One of the most notable differences between Halloween and its first sequel was the overt violence. While John Carpenter relied more on suggestion than overt violence, Rick Rosenthal’s sequel significantly increased the gore quotient. Comparatively, Halloween III: Season of the Witch doesn’t have quite as much violence as the series’ first sequel. But Season of the Witch may be the more disturbing of the sequels by virtue of its subject matter. Quite frankly, not many horror movies have gone much further than just placing children in danger. Season of the Witch doesn’t shy away from the taboo, with its ‘mask test’ scene illustrating that sequel intended to follow through on its premise. It’s this particular scene that makes the movie’s nihilistic finale all the more disturbing. Honestly, Season of the Witch boasts one of the better horror movies endings.

As the sequel’s villain, Dan O’Herlihy (RoboCop) had the unenviable task of filling in for Michael Myers.

If Halloween III occasionally veers off into the ridiculous, veteran John Carpenter-alum Tom Atkins anchors the proceedings. Unfortunately, Atkins’ performance is less Night of the Creeps and more The Fog or Prince of Darkness. This isn’t to say there’s anything wrong with his role – Season of the Witch just requires Atkins to play it a little more straight. Regardless, Atkins is always a fun and reliable actor who excels with whatever the movie necessitates. As the sequel’s villain, Dan O’Herlihy (RoboCop) had the unenviable task of filling in for Michael Myers. It’s an unfair comparison for the actor who stands out as a chilling villain. Playing the benevolent face of a novelty company, O’Herlihy’s ability to switch from warm benefactor to callous monster is unnerving in its own right. No, he’s no Michael Myers. But for a horror movie by any other name, O’Herlihy made for a good villain.

Season of the Witch Stands On Its Own Merits

Despite its flaws and some dated effects, Halloween III: Season of the Witch has aged quite well. It’s probably fair to say that much of the movie’s negative reputation stemmed from fan expectations. Take out ‘Halloween III’ out the title and, without the anticipation of more Michael Myers, would the movie have been so harshly reviewed? Without the burden of being a Halloween sequel, Season of the Witch is a creepy, occasionally scary, movie. And after nearly 40 years, its central premise has only become more relevant.

The Howling II: Horror Sequel May Have You Howling for All the Wrong Reasons

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Joe Dante’s The Howling is a classic horror movie. Aside from An American Werewolf in London, it’s one of the best werewolf movies of all time. Interestingly, however, The Howling has produced one of the more bizarre horror franchises. To date, studios have churned out seven sequels over four decades. Most of these sequels were straight-to-video movies; none of them are particularly memorable. Except for one. And for all the wrong reasons. The Howling II – Your Sister is a Werewolf or Stirba Werewolf Bitch – is one of those notoriously bad movies. Inept special effects, wooden acting, odd plotting – The Howling II has it all. But is it just a ‘bad movie’ or is it ‘so bad, it’s good’?

Synopsis

Following the events of The Howling, Ben White arrives in Los Angeles to bury his sister, Karen. At the funeral, occult expert Stefan Crosscoe tells Ben that his sister was a werewolf. Along with Jenny, a journalist and Karen’s co-worker, Ben joins Stefan on his trip to Transylvania. In this old part of the world, Stefan plans to find an destroy Stirba, Queen of the Werewolves, and her werewolf cult.

The Howling II a ‘Dog’s Breakfast’ of Storytelling

Memorably bad movies can’t be boring. To hit the ‘sweet spot’ of ‘so bad, it’s good’, bad movies have throw all logic out the window. In this regard, The Howling II is a huge success. Nothing about this movie makes sense. With only the loosest connection to the first movie, The Howling II mixes together supernatural elements with no concern for logic. The movie borrows Transylvania, staking, and other vampire tropes. As the movie progresses, Stirba inexplicably uses witchcraft. In one hilariously bad scene, Stirba chants a Wiccan spell, which causes a little person’s eyes to explode. Don’t ask. Somewhere in the story is something a werewolf plot to take over the world. And the original movie’s ending is conveniently dismissed.

When Christopher Lee puts on sunglasses to disguise himself in a punk rock bar, you just know what kind of bad movie you’re watching.

Poor editing makes the movie even more difficult to follow. Near the movie’s climax, a new wave band from earlier in the movie inexplicably turn up at what looks like a werewolf orgy. Is it meant to be a flashback? If so, why? Or did Stirba fly them in from Los Angles? Where do they go? Who cares. The Howling II also has the strangest, and longest, werewolf ménage-a-trois. Of course, it may not be long – it could just be the editing that occasionally drops snippets of the scene at different points in the movie. When Christopher Lee puts on sunglasses to disguise himself in a punk rock bar, you just know what kind of bad movie you’re watching.

Not So Special Effects May Elicit Some Unintentional Laughs

Though some of The Howling’s special effects are dated, the werewolf transformations remain among the genre’s best. Not so much in the sequel. The Howling II’s retconning of the original movie’s ending, for example, is hopelessly inept. Basically, the werewolf looks like an actor wearing a dollar store wolf mask. Some of the other werewolf effects are modest improvements. But when cartoonish lights emanate from Stirba’s hands as she casts a spell, it’s all downhill. For some reason, something that looks like a rubber bat-like creature turns up. At the start of the movie, Christopher Lee is superimposed over a shot of the universe as he narrates the opening. Yes, its as bad as it sounds.

Poor Christopher Lee Looks Like He’d Rather Be Somewhere Else

Like all truly bad movies, The Howling II features some terrible acting. As Ben and Jenny, Reb Brown and Annie McEnroe as absolutely atrocious. Wooden doesn’t come close to capturing their performances. Despite being a journalist, Jenny does absolutely no investigating or reporting. The chemistry between the leads is non-existent, which may explain why Reb Brown is still wearing pants during their sex scene. Legendary B-film actress Sybil Danning spends most of the movie in werewolf fur as Stirba. When she’s not fuzzy, Danning looks like she’s in a heavy metal music video.

But how he ended up in this movie is a mystery.

And then there’s poor Christopher Lee. He’s a horror icon, and The Howling II doesn’t diminish his status in any way. But how he ended up in this movie is a mystery. He’s a long ways away from playing Dracula for Hammer Films. Nevertheless, Lee is a consummate professional and, as such, he does the best with the terrible material. Arguably, he’s the best part of the movie even if it looks like he’s rather be somewhere else.

The Howling II Will Have You Howling

It’s hard to tell if The Howling II was intentionally or unintentionally funny. Nothing about the movie qualifies as scary. In spite of its utter ineptitude, The Howling II is never boring. This is the kind of bad movie that inspires brow-wrinkling and laughs in equal measures. With the right crowd and copious amounts of alcohol, The Howling II would make for a fun night of bad movies.

FINAL VERDICT: SO BAD, IT’S GOOD

They’re Here: Poltergeist A Perfect Suburban Nightmare

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The ‘haunted house’ movie is a staple of the horror genre. From The Uninvited and The Haunting to the more recent Insidious, each generation of horror fans can claim their own classic. For 80’s kids, Poltergeist was our haunted house classic. The 1982 movie brought together an impressive collection of talent. Tobe Hooper (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) directed from a story penned by producer Steven Spielberg. Legendary composer Jerry Goldsmith (The Omen) scored the move. Given this talent, it’s not suprising that Poltergeist went on to become a box office and critical success.

Poltergeist Balanced Its Horror With Heart

To date, numerous sources have debated just how much creative control Tobe Hooper had over Poltergeist. I won’t bother re-hashing that discussion because, truth be told, I have no idea. Regardless of the stories, Poltergeist clearly balances Hooper’s penchant for intense horror with Spielberg’s more whimsical family touches. And Poltergeist is a better haunted house movie as a result of this fusion. Both likable and relatable, it’s easy to sympathize with the Freeling Family’s plight. Much of this relatability can be chalked up to the excellent casting. Both Craig T Nelson and JoBeth Williams invest their roles with a requisite ‘every-person’ conceit. Their fear and desperation for their children’s welfare feels real. To his credit, Hooper also wisely holds back the horror, allowing the audience to spend some time with the Freelings.

With regards to the horror itself, Hooper aptly balances jump scares with sustained tension and stakes. Poltergeist excels at pacing its jolts and family drama. Moreover, Hooper rarely leans on tired haunted house movie tropes. That is, Poltergeist boasts a wild inventiveness with its supernatural visuals. Though some of its special effects may be dated, Poltergeist’s supernatural ‘baddies’ hold up well. From tree monsters to cavernous closets, Poltergeist turns completely banal aspects of suburban life into nightmares.

Poltergeist Was Rated What?

For a lot of kids raised in the 1980’s, Poltergeist may have been their introduction to the horror genre. As the story goes, the Motion Picture Association of America initially tagged the haunted house movie with an R-rating. Hooper and Spielberg talked them down to a PG-rating. Yes, that’s right. Poltergeist was rated Parental Guidance in 1982. If kids weren’t traumatized by caskets and decomposed corpses popping up then the face-peeling scene probably did it. In spite of its occasional Spielberg-esque tone, Poltergeist is a horror movie through and through.

A lot of ‘kid-friendly’ movies released in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s would raise eyebrows today.

Much of the discrepancy between its rating and content can be attributed to the timing of its release. Following the dissolution of the Hays Code over the 1960’s, filmmakers proceeded to push boundaries. Movies like The Exorcist, Last Tango in Paris, and The Godfather railed against previous Hollywood taboos. The MPAA struggled to keep up with changing social norms and a new generation of auteur filmmakers. A lot of ‘kid-friendly’ movies released in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s would raise eyebrows today. Eventually, in 1984, the MPAA introduced the PG-13 rating in response to movies like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Gremlins. Fortunately for budding horror fans, Hooper and Spielberg released Poltergeist in the midst of that gap.

A Master’s Class In Suspense

Poltergeist remains a classic because it also understood that clever visuals alone don’t add up to a scary movie. Two scenes in particular demonstrate how the movie has managed to retain its power to terrify. At some point, most kids have been afraid of thunderstorms. When you’re a child, ordinary things become menacing in the dark. Hooper’s ‘tree monster’ scene brilliantly combines the simple act of counting down thunder with Goldsmith’s crescendoing score to produce one of the best haunted house scares filmed.

Poltergeist remains a classic because it also understood that clever visuals alone don’t add up to a scary movie.

Clowns may be scary, but that’s not why the second scene works so well. First, Hooper sets this scare up much earlier in the movie. You know it’s coming at some point. When Robbie Freeling pulls up the bed skirt and peers under each side of the bed, you definitely know what’s coming. But Hooper still sticks the jump scare perfectly, paying off what’s a meticulously developed scene. Subsequent horror movies have imitated the set-up with diminished results.

“You Only Moved The Headstones”

Poltergeist hasn’t remained a classic by accident. This haunted house film does a lot of things very well. Arguably, Poltergeist still resonates with audiences because it understands the things that frighten us the most. It turns the ordinary things that surround us into the things that fuel our nightsmares.